This book of clever comebacks and witty retorts will help hone your personal arsenal.

Viva la Repartee: Clever Comebacks and Witty Retorts
by Mardy Grothe
(Collins, 2005) It's really hard to be funny when you're on the spot. It requires a mental trick: Someone hands you a set-up line, your onboard computer whirs into action, it processes everything about the last sentence spoken, considers the linguistic possibilities, checks literary and historical references, and, just a beat later, out of your mouth flies a comeback that has everyone laughing and admiring your wit.

Can you do that? I can't, most of the time. When I do hit the conversational ball back over the net with enough topspin to make jaws drop, it's usually when I'm at my worst -- that is, when I have, for no particular reason, an unnaturally high opinion of myself. I become as grand as Voltaire, or Wilde, or Churchill. I don't so much deliver a bon mot as let it drop from my lips. Insufferable, yes? Which makes me think it's better to read a collection of sharp comebacks than to be their originator. It's not only obnoxious, it's exhausting to be witty on cue. On the other hand, it sharpens the mind to read several hundred pages of great repartee -- which Mark Twain defined as "something we think of twenty four hours too late." Mardy Grothe has done a public service in collecting these anecdotes. He has, alas, swathed them in cotton; the little essays that begin each chapter are hardly of the same caliber of the witticisms that follow. No matter. Ignore the homilies; cut to the anecdotes. Like these... A reporter called out to Gandhi: 'What do you think of Western civilization?' Gandhi replied: 'I think it would be a good idea.' Dolly Parton was asked how long it takes to get her hair done. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I'm not there.' (Ms. Parton famously wears wigs.) Noah Webster -- the dictionary maker -- was having his way with the chambermaid when his wife entered. 'I'm surprised,' she exclaimed. Webster replied: 'No, my dear. I am surprised. You are astonished.' At the height of Sen. Joe McCarthy's popularity, Robert Hutchins, the departing president of the University of Chicago, was asked if Communism was still being taught at the university. He snapped: 'Yes, and cancer at the medical school.' During World War II, a Nazi officer inspected Picasso's apartment in Paris. He paused in front of a photo of 'Guernica' and asked, 'Do you do that?' Picasso's reply: 'No, you did.' An interviewer, to a baseball player: 'Last year, you hit two home runs all season; this year, you already have seven. What's the difference?' The player said, 'Five.' Spencer Tracy was asked what he looked for in a script. His reply: 'Days off.' In a movie scene, Jean Harlow asks a salesgirl if she can see through the dress she's trying on. 'I'm afraid you can, miss,' the salesgirl says. 'Good,' says Harlow. 'I'll wear it.' Bill Clinton was once introduced as the most intelligent of the Presidential candidates. He quipped, 'Isn't that like calling Moe the most intelligent of the Three Stooges?' 'What's the best thing about being 104?' The old woman answered: 'No peer pressure.' Legendary quarterback Joe Namath was asked if he preferred Astroturf or grass. 'I don't know,' he cracked. 'I've never smoked Astroturf.' Yes. I know. You hear an imaginary drum roll after a while. But hey -- you smiled, didn't you? And you know you're going to share at least one of these stories very soon. There are 280 pages of these gems in this book. That's enough to give you enough stories for several years. And maybe inspiration to craft a few of your own. Either way, this book is guaranteed both to amuse you and make you smarter. In plain, unfunny English: a bargain.

Jesse Kornbluth

2/14/06